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Venting

Fuck you crazy ass shit base housing neighbors who can't be trusted and just spread shit about you behind your back which isn't even true!

Seriously?  There's a rumor going around by some guy who knows Scott from A school is starting up who lives straight across from us that I cheated on Scott with an officer or something back in Norfolk. LOL. First off, when this guy "knew" Scott...we weren't even married yet and I was at college. Much less that I don't know any officers other then some husbands with the FRG...which was when he was assigned to a ship and were married...not A School! This guy is the one who has a cheating wife..the one that has left him 3 times, has a bf back home, took all his money, beat/bit him last time she was here, and threw a laptop at him. He's decided to take her back because apparently all of us wives are cheaters and that's to be expected. He's spreading lies about other wives too, all to justify his damn decision. It makes me mad because Scott and me have done nothing but been his friend. We bought groceries for him and cooked him dinner when he had no money since she took all his. We listened to him vent and offered advice and support. I'm just mad he would backstab us like that. Scott confronted him and he wouldn't even look him in the eye and denied saying those things even though we have been told he said that by 5 neighbors now. What the hell? We're done with him and when his wife fucks him over we're not going to be there for him. He deserves what he gets if that's how he treats friends.

In particular to one neighbor aka crazy ass codepdent woman.
Fuck you for thinking its okay to put up a welcome home banner for your husband's long underway. Fuck you, it is NOT a deployment! Get the fuck over it! Fuck you for crying about it everyday and then being a codepedent whackjob who wants someone to hang out with them every fucking moment when they are not sleeping or at their job. You claim your busy and have all this stuff to do but then you turn around and have to have someone do something with you. Half the time you ask to do something on a whim. Then you take it personally, getting offended and bitchy when someone tells you no they can't do that. You continue to pester me into doing it. Then you want a damn reason for why I won't do that with you. What the hell? No means no, and no I don't owe you an explanation. Also, most fucking normal people who have a husband home with them don't want to do things with you after 9pm. Or wish to be disturbed at 8 in the fucking morning. Seriously, stop coming over and knocking on my door when I don't respond within 5 minutes to your text. There's a reason why I didn't respond...either I'm in the shower, asleep, or having sex with my husband. The latter you've interupted 4 times now. Get the fuck over yourself, the world does not revolve around you and YOUR HUSBAND IS NOT DEPLOYED. Get yourself together or your gonna end up in a straightjacket when he's deployed next year!

Case in point yesterday.
She texted me to go biking with her.
I told her I can't because I don't have a bike.
She asked me why I can't just use my husbands....seriously...do I really have to fucking explain why my 5 ft self cannot use my husband's 6 ft MAN bike? I can't reach the pedals???
Half hour later...Do you want to go out for lunch?
No, because its not payday yet and I already made myself lunch
Wanna do something else later?
No, I'm not really in the mood to deal with other people today - true as I got my period and I'm cleaning my house
So later, I'm outside sitting in a lawnchair with my husband watching him work with a neighbor to pull out spark plugs out of the guy's suv. She drives by in her car and says loudly "So your not in the MOOD to BE AROUND OTHERS, HUH?"
What...the...hell.....I'm with my HUSBAND!!! Jesus christ...its not like I've having a goddamn party in my driveway without her. I'm learning about sparkplugs from my husband while he works on this guy's suv.
Then she posts about it on her facebook how She hates it when people say one thing and do another...and then she walks by our house and fucking glares at our house. I caught her and when I asked it about it later she said one of her cats was in our flowerbed...lol

Whatever. If its you vs my Husband...my husband is gonna win everytime. I'm going to do things with my husband. Because he's my husband. Don't be fucking spiteful because your husband is gone for a month and mine's on shore duty.

Crazy ass people. Don't come to Mayport, FL... EVER. 2 more years of this bullshit!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh

Ugh

No jobs despite interviews...still applying, still trying.

Also we're gonna start using Fertilaid and see how that goes.
1. I got my period again. *sigh*

2. I got laid off due to budget cuts in the school system...

Rock on....

Hanging in there though. Painting, painting, painting. And gardening. Also now partaking in Zumba.

Trying to focus on the good things. Catching up on various TV series via Netflix. Conquering Mt. Everest of laundry.

Dang

Got my period. So much for that. Hormones were just PMSing. *sigh*

Time to be emo and go paint some more...

Crossing Fingers for Alot

So...I may be pregnant again. Not sure. But lately I've been wanting to take naps really bad when I get home (happened in the first pregnancy) and have had more random gagging at night and in the morning. Also, my period is late by a week. I don't want to get my hopes up only to be disappointed later. I know alot of people who have gotten preggers again right after having a D and C...I'll wait another week and then get a test. I just, eh....I'm mixed emotions just because I don't want to face another miscarriage. I just want a healthy baby...that's all. I just want to be a mom.

It would also really help me figure out job things for the fall. I am debating heavily on even teaching another year here unless I get St. John's county. Duval county is just so so so screwed up. With everything.

Things have been ok. We went to Disneyworld and Hollywood Studios (Star Wars weekend for the Hubbs). It was a good weekend get away and I did have alot of fun there. Things with the inlaws were ok because his brother/fuck buddy or racist bigot mother's side of the family were not around. So it was ok. Other then the fact his parents wouldn't let me discipline our dog to leave them alone and stop trying to wrestle with them because all they would do is push him. Then his mother had the audacity to ask us if we were "going to give him away when we have a baby because he's so mouthy?" wtf??? He's FAMILY. You don't give up family. And he's only acting like that because you won't let me tell him to get off the couch and leave you alone.

Been painting again, starting out with Acrylics. I'll try to go for Oils if the test next week is Negative. Otherwise its watercolor and acrylic painting and color pencil for a long while. I don't mind too much.

9 more days left of the school year...can't wait for this teaching year of hell.

Of course I got chewed out by a parent because their kid failed the FCAT and has to be in 3rd grade again. She snaps at me how her son "Has had to be held back every year for the past 3 years!" - Well guess what? Maybe you should have made him do his homework (she *thought* he was doing it - how hard is it to come home and ask to see it mom!?!??!?!?) and reading assignments and then he'd probably pass! Plus he's been getting D's and C's on all the reading tests so its not like he was some genius student! Grrr...like its MY fault. I got him promoted from 2nd grade to 3rd grade mid-year. You think she could be grateful for that at least! I've just had it. You do nothing for him all year long and then of course at the end of the year when he doesn't make it, THEN you care. Ugh. Ugh....I hate this. Teachers are not SOLELY responsible for the academic growth of your child, step up as a parent.

Scott gets to retake the ASVAB to get a higher score in August and crossrate. This is a plus. Get me the fuck out of this state.

Make me teach this again?....no thank you.

So everything appears to be normal again in the nether parts. All clear. I'm going to start taking prenatal vitamins again starting tonight.  Let's hope the next time works. Emotionally, its been a ride between me dealing with this, my hormones all outta whack, and my husband having to work mids STILL. Seriously... a miscarriage doesn't constitute as a good reason to switch someone to the day (6-4) or even NIGHT shift (4pm-12pm)??? But the asshole who got beat up at a party gets to move to days? I'm just so pissed off with this command here. They don't care about their people. Back in Norfolk they did, but the whole mentality here in Mayport, none of the commands care. I've talked with enough people about it. Its twisted. Some of the days where I was having a hard time I really wanted to just drive over to the command and bitch at them about this, see how screwed up I am? I work a fulltime job - dealing with kids who have parents who shouldn't be parents on top of dealing with a miscarriage and getting surgery and I get to see my husband 1-3 hours a night before he works and that's when he's just waking up. You think that's enough time to help us get through this? They didn't even give him the night off when I had surgery the whole day....ugh

I hate my job as many of you know. I did what I know is right and went to my principal about it and told him how I don't want to teach the crappy program again for the sake of my personal health with trying to have a baby, the stress it puts on me physically and my marriage. Didn't go into how that program goes against my teaching philosophy and how the parents suck, etc and next year they are getting rid of the good conduct requirement (wtf? and with no school counselor?!?!?!). It went well. Right now he does not have an opening for me next year, unless I teach the crappy program (nooooooo). HE said he'd see what openings some of the principals at the other local elementary school have. As this county is stupid and I can not request a transfer, only the principal can "Agree" to transfer me to another school. I am trying to get a teaching job in the county over, so cross your fingers for me. Otherwise, I may not have a "job job"....in that case I will work on a part time job, make another baby hopefully, and work on my masters for the duration we are in shitty FL. And make art.

We got a new computer desk from the exchange. Hubbs was nice enough to put it together today, so the upstairs desk is now officially my art desk. I can't wait to start doing that again because I know that's something that will get my mind back in the right place.

Moose has learned to poop on command. Stupid and gross, I know....but it helps when you are in a hurry or traveling.

I'm Alive

Had the D & C surgery today afterall.

It went pretty well considering I've been an emotional wreck over the miscarriage and the tugging back and forth with the hospital...and then the fact the only surgery I've ever had was my wisdom teeth taken out which is pretty minor compared to things going on with your lady bits.

I also had to take off my glasses so I was in happy fuzzy color land while I was waiting. I got wheeled around in the hospital bed and a wheelchair. I got to wear the hair net hat.

I was also throughly prodded, poked, and pricked again. Even though they have it on file so many times from the damn lab, they still felt the need to confirm my blood type. (O+ people!) Also, my pregnancy hormones dropped over half from what they were so that's good I suppose.

Found out I'm mildly allergic to morphine. Fun fun. Liquid benie took care of that real fast. Guess I was a very sweet and cute patient for the nurses, both male and female because I gave them no trouble and was just kinda happy and out of it. The guy in recovery next to me kept trying to fight, rip out his IV, and pull out his cath....so....I got to hear all that through the curtain. Fuuuun times.

Scott hasn't had much sleep in the past 5 days. I feel bad. He had to be with me at the hospital...does he really have to work the night shift tonight people? Ugh.

Taking tomorrow off, but I'll still come back to do my tutoring group for an hour at the end of school.

No sex, no gym, no taking baths for a week. Gotcha.


Tylenol 3 makes everything all betters.

So its done....wait a couple more periods and try again I guess.

Numb.

I found out this morning at our 1st ultrasound that I miscarried.

It only made it to 9 weeks. It would have been 13 weeks or so today.

It showed up on the sonogram, but it looked very little for 13 weeks. Just a head and little nubs. It wasn't moving either. The sac was flat, not round as it should be. Then they kept trying to find a heartbeat and couldn't. I could tell from the doctor and the nurse's silence it wasn't good. Scott knew too. They told us that all signs pointed towards it being a miscarriage. Told us it looked like a chromosomal miscarriage, not anything wrong with my body.

Then I got shipped off to radiology to confirm it, which they did. That lady said nothing to me, as she wasn't allowed to disclose anything with me. They didn't let Scott in the room with me for that either.

Then I had to go back to OB and we sat down she discussed radiology's findings and talked about the next steps. I have to go to the naval hospital on Monday to talk with that doctor (Scott is coming too) about either going through it naturally, take drugs to speed it up, or go with the whole surgery thing. That's if I don't start it naturally this weekend and I have to rush over to an emergency room.

I've done nothing this morning but cry on Scott's shoulder. He's really be amazing and supportive through it all. My mom's in South Korea on a business trip so I can't talk to her. I did talk with my dad.

I feel like a failure, even though I know its not my fault. I feel like I let down my husband, even though he's not mad at me or anything like that. He's really been amazing and more help and support then he knows.

I feel sad, because its like...was it in pain? Did it hurt it? Did it have feelings? Or a soul? I feel sad because dreams got dashed upon the rocks at what the future would be like, the joy that was in our lives and that of our family.

I feel angry because all these other people can pop out all these babies no problem. I'm mad because people who are unfit to be mothers are able to have a child. I'm mad because it only had a couple more weeks to go and it would have made it past the risk period.

I feel lost and numb. I don't really know what to do now. I was looking at the officer program in the Air Force but the application deadline just passed and I didn't follow up with the recruiter because I thought I was pregnant. I don't want to be a teacher next year because this place makes me so miserable and I can't stand teaching in this county/state/school but I have no choice. The fact is, I really don't know what to do after this school year. I dunno if I should work on my masters online or just take a part time job and make artwork...or whatever...I dunno. Maybe work at an old folks home and do artwork? I really don't know what direction to go in.

I don't want to sit here and cry and cry. But I really just don't know what to do.

I know its God's plan, even though its a hard one. I know that what happened was supposed to happen because something wasn't right with it. I know we'll try again in a couple months and hopefully that will go alot better. I know we're young, healthy, strong...etc. I know its better to lose it now then more months along.

I'm just really numb.

Positive for the Day

Alright, in regards to my bitchfest earlier. I forgot a positive.

First ultrasound appointment tomorrow. Nervous as hell about it. I just am worried about what's going on in there and I don't want anything to be wrong.

Granted I've had morning sickness a little bit everyday with no puking, just gagging/nausea. I haven't had any blood or spotting. No severe cramps or internal pains. The only things I have noticed other then morning sickness is that my abs feel like I did 100x sit ups at the gym or something and are sore for several minutes each day for the past 3 days as they tear apart from me getting a little bump action...and my boobs are getting bigger and they are sore. I also cannot stand the smell of burnt popcorn, new bikes due to the fresh rubber tire smell, and I don't like applesauce anymore. And I don't feel the need to have coffee every morning, sometimes that makes me gag too.

Slightly freaked out by things I did do before we found out too. Ate sushi, gardened with no gloves, and had 3 glasses of wine with the Valentine's Day meal. I know people have done much worse but I'm freaked out one little thing I did is going to make my child mentally or physically disfigured.

Scott will be able to attend the apt tomorrow. That's a huge positive for someone in the military. He should stay for the pap smear....muah!

And we'll finally be able to answer the age old question of how far along I am! Cause I have little to go off because I can't remember when my last period was, only that it was in January.

So tomorrow's a big day. I just hope everything is ok in there.

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